So, yeah. I disappeared for a while. Its hard to explain, and I'm afraid it might be hard to understand, but I feel like I owe it to everyone (especially myself) to attempt to put words to it. Excuse me in advance, this is going to be clumsy.
I don't know when it began, and I certainly don't know when I realized it, but I've spent the last year or so struggling with (what I believe to be) depression (or something akin - my Dr. has only prescribed me to anti-anxiety for my panic attacks).
Ugh, see what I did there? I'm attempting to apologize for something already! THIS IS PART OF MY PROBLEM.
Let's start over. Growing up, and throughout college, I was probably one of the happiest people I knew. A few days before my birthday this year, I wrote this in my journal - "ten years again, at 17, my life was an empty fresh canvas I couldn't wait to paint. Although my expectations were abstract, there were also grand. I was happy, excited, and optimistic about my life and future. The last ten years haven't been bad, I want to be clear. In fact, they have been wonderful by any standard. I went to IU and had the time of my life. I met some of my best friends, cheered at a Big Ten University, and met the man I would marry. I went to law school...blah blah blah. But somewhere along the way, I drifted away from my optimistic homeostasis. I don't know if its a loss of innocence - like they used to talk about in high school English all the time - or what. But I've become more and more jaded. I expect shit won't go my way. My outlook has shifted from 'everything's going to be alright' to 'expect the worst and that way you won't be disappointed'. I hate that. So, I'm going to do something about it."
And do that is what I did - although, truth be told I didn't realize what was happening as it happened. I didn't have a real game plan, other than I knew I needed to quit the job I had. So, I got a new job. As a result, I met new friends. Then, I started taking care of myself - taking walks, reading for fun, yada yada yada. Slowly yet surely, I have become more myself. Yes, I still bitch about things, yes things could still be better - but can't they always? I didn't wake up one day and think "This is it. Today's the day I'm back" but I also can't tell you the last time I've had a mental breakdown or have cried. This is the best way I can describe what happened. (Just another reason to love that blog.)
And while that's all well and good, I sort of felt like I couldn't talk about it on my blog. You see, December of 2010 was the beginning of this downhill battle. It was also the beginning of my blog. I used this blog to complain and to be snarky and to connect with people who I didn't have to see everyday of my life. And it totally provided me with that outlet, and I'm so so grateful for that. In a way, as I started feeling happier, I started feeling like I was betraying my blog. What would I say when I wasn't complaining? It's hard for me to be snarky and not a bitter complainer. Not to mention another side effect of not being so sad all the time - I had no reason to be online all the time. Suddenly, I had friends to see and plans to make! Weird what happens when you're not terrified you're going to start sobbing at any moment.
So, I don't know. I guess the best reason I have for ignoring my space for so long is that I felt like a liar. I felt like I couldn't keep it up anymore, or rather that I didn't deserve to. Honestly, it didn't feel "fair" to comment on your life, when I wasn't participating in group share time. But the truth is, I've missed it. I missed having an online "voice" and I've missed the connections I've made. I have no idea what will become of this blog, but I'm hoping that just like before, ya'll will help me figure it out.