So, yeah. I disappeared for a while. Its hard to explain, and I'm afraid it might be hard to understand, but I feel like I owe it to everyone (especially myself) to attempt to put words to it. Excuse me in advance, this is going to be clumsy.
I don't know when it began, and I certainly don't know when I realized it, but I've spent the last year or so struggling with (what I believe to be) depression (or something akin - my Dr. has only prescribed me to anti-anxiety for my panic attacks).
Ugh, see what I did there? I'm attempting to apologize for something already! THIS IS PART OF MY PROBLEM.
Let's start over. Growing up, and throughout college, I was probably one of the happiest people I knew. A few days before my birthday this year, I wrote this in my journal - "ten years again, at 17, my life was an empty fresh canvas I couldn't wait to paint. Although my expectations were abstract, there were also grand. I was happy, excited, and optimistic about my life and future. The last ten years haven't been bad, I want to be clear. In fact, they have been wonderful by any standard. I went to IU and had the time of my life. I met some of my best friends, cheered at a Big Ten University, and met the man I would marry. I went to law school...blah blah blah. But somewhere along the way, I drifted away from my optimistic homeostasis. I don't know if its a loss of innocence - like they used to talk about in high school English all the time - or what. But I've become more and more jaded. I expect shit won't go my way. My outlook has shifted from 'everything's going to be alright' to 'expect the worst and that way you won't be disappointed'. I hate that. So, I'm going to do something about it."
And do that is what I did - although, truth be told I didn't realize what was happening as it happened. I didn't have a real game plan, other than I knew I needed to quit the job I had. So, I got a new job. As a result, I met new friends. Then, I started taking care of myself - taking walks, reading for fun, yada yada yada. Slowly yet surely, I have become more myself. Yes, I still bitch about things, yes things could still be better - but can't they always? I didn't wake up one day and think "This is it. Today's the day I'm back" but I also can't tell you the last time I've had a mental breakdown or have cried. This is the best way I can describe what happened. (Just another reason to love that blog.)
And while that's all well and good, I sort of felt like I couldn't talk about it on my blog. You see, December of 2010 was the beginning of this downhill battle. It was also the beginning of my blog. I used this blog to complain and to be snarky and to connect with people who I didn't have to see everyday of my life. And it totally provided me with that outlet, and I'm so so grateful for that. In a way, as I started feeling happier, I started feeling like I was betraying my blog. What would I say when I wasn't complaining? It's hard for me to be snarky and not a bitter complainer. Not to mention another side effect of not being so sad all the time - I had no reason to be online all the time. Suddenly, I had friends to see and plans to make! Weird what happens when you're not terrified you're going to start sobbing at any moment.
So, I don't know. I guess the best reason I have for ignoring my space for so long is that I felt like a liar. I felt like I couldn't keep it up anymore, or rather that I didn't deserve to. Honestly, it didn't feel "fair" to comment on your life, when I wasn't participating in group share time. But the truth is, I've missed it. I missed having an online "voice" and I've missed the connections I've made. I have no idea what will become of this blog, but I'm hoping that just like before, ya'll will help me figure it out.
Everything up there? Yes.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who suffers from depression, I can relate. It's unexplainable to those on the outside looking in, which is why the Internets are a great place to find those who know. But you can also get stuck in that web (no pun intended) and feel bad for moving on, for not being in the same (dark) place you were when you started.
To that I say, boogersnatch! We all have to do what we know to be healthy for us, as who wants to be unhappy? Who wants to feel guilty for feeling happy, or for that matter, sad? Write what you want, say what you want and share what you want.
Just like in real life, you have people who will be here either way. ;) Glad you're back!
I MISSED you! I missed your blog and your thoughts and your comments on my blog (the only ones that have made my boyfriend laugh by the way...he uses a valley girl voice on all other comments...hehe. Silly boy).
ReplyDeleteI think I blog more when I am in better spirits. When I am down, I figure everyone thinks I'm lame -- even in the blog world -- so I stay outta there. Oh and p.s. I didn't hate myself, ever, until law school. way cool.
Is the new job going well? You were a CHEERleader!? you can read this comment in a valley girl dialect. like, bye.
Anxiety is something I struggle with every day. I think a lot of times it's the source for my negative attitude (at times) and that if you are prepared for bad things to happen (aka worrying beyond the point of control) you can stop them. So basically what I'm saying is that you're not alone. No seriously, I'm standing behind you.
ReplyDeleteHA. Kidding, but wouldn't that have been super creepy?! PS- I read once that people who suffer from anxiety tend to be extra creative. Why else would we imagine these insane scenarios in our minds? Win.
I'm glad that you are feeling more like yourself...and I understand where you are coming from feeling like a "liar" on your blog. I often feel like this, especially when I'm sitting with my mom while she's getting chemo and I'm writing totally upbeat posts...but there's only so much you can put on the Internet you know? Anyway, I get you.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. Sometimes in life we fall down, and sometimes we can't figure out why until after the fact. Then we have to learn how to stand up and walk again. It takes a while to get past the shame of having tripped and fallen. But we do. Sometimes in life we break, and then we are stronger in the broken places.
ReplyDeleteOh please please keep writing! I honestly felt like this post was taken straight from my head. I know those feeling all too well, and still struggle with them week to week. And to be honest, if you notice I start putting up a lot of baking and picture posts, something is usually up. When I'm writing and talking about things on the blog it tends to mean I felt OK enough with my own emotions to share with others. Sometimes we need those breakdowns to remind us how much we feel, and how good it is to feel all that crazy stuff inside us.
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with mild depression since I was a teen--And I'm going through a minor downward spiral at the moment, so I can relate. I actually do better when I can get it out, which more often than not I can't really do on my blog. But you have to do what's right for you, and if it means less blogging, so be it!
ReplyDelete